Hurt is'nt even the word to describe the pain I feel.
God has called me into this thing called ministry and to be honest I am scared, oops I can't say that word so I'll just leave it at scared. Simply because when I look in the mirror and I don't recognize this young lady staring back at me.
I was on snap chat earlier today and got a glimpse of what my life looked like shots of Henny, hookah, and afrobeat that prepared me for the one night stand with that fine African man.
But now I stand in a place of worship and prayer and trying to get deeper in this book called the Bible when my life is falling apart before my eyes and I'm honestly jealous of my snap chat friends living their perfect nightlife activities that once excited me. I long for one more night of that perfect life.
Instead, I was rewarded with lonely boring nights filled with worship and tears asking God to speak to me and praising his Holy name. I have a confession to make God calling me feels like punishment because those nights filled with whiskey, skin-tight dresses, hookah never needed Gods help to fulfill. But it did leave me drunk to the point of lying next to a man whose name was unknown and a heavy heart.
If I'm able, to be honest, and transparent, I'm upset because Gods way feels like punishment and it's quite lonely and it sucks at times because I don't recognize me and I am so very confused as to why he decided to call a broken vessel like me to ministry.
But I have to admit something this life made me whole and sound and although I don't recognize her I like and love her like never before. I am in my safe place just knowing he loves me. From now on I choose him just to choose me.